Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
