you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
