It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
