Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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