Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
