so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize