Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
