she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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