I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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