There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
