I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
