She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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