There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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