You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
