STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
