I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
