my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
