mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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