First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize