Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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