Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You are the jesus of drinking
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
