he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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