If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
