So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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