Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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