2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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