I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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