What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Two words: blizzard sex
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
