Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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