I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
