Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
