Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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