Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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