You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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