I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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