Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
it's like heaven, but drunker
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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