a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
