she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
