Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just pee around me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
