I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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