I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
