its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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