We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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