i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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