Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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