I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
