Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
