i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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