no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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