Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
