I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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