No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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