The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
