i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
