You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
