Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
