I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
